I cockslap morals
the condom got lost in my hair
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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