I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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