i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
