Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
