i already hear my dad disowning me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
