I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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