Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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