Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
