Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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