Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
