you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My liver just had a heart attack.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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