We're like a lot better than the average bears
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
