I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
