My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have aggressive nipples.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
