The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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