Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
