Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
