My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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