masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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