well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize