he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
