Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
