Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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