Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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