if you like me you must not know who I am
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
