1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
