He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
