He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
