im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
