dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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