Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
