Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
