I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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