I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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