My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
