you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
