You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
