Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize