I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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