A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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