Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
