I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
