alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
one might say we're banned from that church
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
