I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
