I'm laying in your front yard are you home
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
