Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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