i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
