dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
