my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
