two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
