She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
pray to the hookup gods
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