Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
