I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
