I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
