look no pants
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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