your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
