Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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