How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
