The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
