Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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